A Letter For Triton: You Should Be Two Today

 

Today is a tough day for me babe.  A date that for others really has no meaning, but for me it is a pain spot and will be for who knows how long - maybe forever.  Two years ago today was your due date. If you were still with me today we would be celebrating your 2nd birthday, Triton. Party hats and cake instead of a lonely day to myself.  

I wish I could see what you look like. I imagine you look like a mixture of your brother P and your youngest sister E -- beautiful blonde hair and big brown eyes.  I wonder if you have the imagination of your sister R or if you would be into cars or art or music.  Answers that will never be answered for me - just played out in my imagination and if I am lucky, you will visit me again in a dream.

I miss you. Some don't understand that - I hope they don't ever have to. Such confusing emotions.  A grief people don't understand unless they have been there. unspoken.  misunderstood.  None of that matters to me though - as i write to you - i know you matter.  

you matter to me.

I wish others could have met you. 

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A Letter For Triton: Missing You

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I have been thinking so much about you lately. I am not sure if it is the time of year or if I am just now processing the grief of everything. I think I am confusing my grief with wanting another baby -  I really think I am just missing you.

I have this unbearable feeling that someone is missing and I just can't seem to shake it.  When I have your brother and sisters in the  room with me I still find myself wondering where everyone is. I really hope I will be able to either get over that feeling or really come to terms with what is going on - because each time it happens I get a punch of panic that I can not take.

I wonder a lot about you. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams a few nights ago. It always brings me some comfort to see your smile and imagine what you look like. You always seem to visit when I need you the most - thank  you for that.   

Grief is hard, painful and confusing.  I have never had to grieve before and going though so much loss in 3 years then just stuffing it down has left me here. Your Daddy has been very patient with me and I am lucky to have him. 

I have an appointment set to get the last two cherry blossom tattoos and I am hoping it will bring me some closure and one step through this grief. 

♥

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A Letter For Triton: Forever Grateful

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Oh, I can not believe it has been two years since I was in that hospital about to experience the most painful surgery I have ever gone through. I was left with no visible scars but leaving that hospital with an empty womb – without you -- was devastating.

I have been wanting to write this letter to you for so long, but I have not been able to bring myself to do it. Please don't think it's because I don't think of you – I think of you every day. I have been trying to find the right words to say to you but they just wont come to me – so you are left with this.

I honestly do not know how to thank you. I have been through this before – 9 times before you, but you were able to teach me so much. I am amazed at your strength - that you were able to hold on as long as you did and made it to 13 weeks gestation.

I remember that phone call from the doctors office that brought me to my knees. Luckily Daddy was there to catch me as I was told you were no longer alive – my levels were dropping and the ultrasound confirmed. I remember thoughts pulsating through my head – anger, fear, unfounded sadness. I was confused.

You were my miracle. You had made it past our dreaded 8 week mark which is where we lost our other 9 pregnancies. I could not understand why you made it further then the other's we had lost – to be taken from me when we had started to believe THIS was really going to happen, we were going to have our 3^rd healthy full, term baby.

I understand now baby boy and I am so grateful for your lesson. If it wasn't for you I would not have the answer – I was not incapable of carrying a healthy child, it was not only a low-progesterone problem, it was not all a 'fluke'. It is because of you the doctors were able to see that tiny blood clot in your life line (umbilical cord). It is because of you we had a solid plan for when we were ready to make another pregnancy and another baby. It is because of you we have this perfect, beautiful 1 year old girl and your brother and sister have another person to love.

You ARE my miracle. Not only did you show us the answer I had been desperately trying to seek, you have healed me from a hate of my own body. Cleared me of any 'wrong doings' or 'bad deeds' that may have caused so much heartache for me. I thank you so much for that. You are forever a part of this family dear Triton and you will always be missed but never forgotten.

I. Am. Forever. Grateful ♥

♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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