Miscarriage & Triggers: When Your Body Is A Trigger

Grief is a very strange journey and process.  Some days I find myself in the best mood - happy and cheerful and then without warning can be smacked in the face with sadness and tears.  Sometimes it happens without warning and one thing I have learned through these 10 miscarriages is that is okay. It is normal and it is ok.  

There are times where a certain trigger will bring out the grief and I have been spending some time identifying those and learning to be ok with the emotions that come up.  Television has been a big trigger, so has twitter and facebook and mostly a specific time of year or date.  Those last ones i can brace for {as much as anyone can} or avoid twitter or facebook for sometime if I feel like I just don't want to face it for the moment.  My husband will brace me for television or movies that might have some sensitive material in it for me and will be there if it gets to me.  Those I can all 'deal' with. They make sense and can be avoided.

One trigger I am having some trouble coming to terms with or figuring out just how to deal with are triggers that are from within my body - normal body functions. 

Miscarriages are painful.  PHYSICALLY PAINFUL.  Cramping and bleeding can be intense and one of my biggest lingering triggers is normal menstrual cramping and bleeding.  Kind of a double hit because women can be more emotional during their period and compound that with an emotional trigger response it can be very difficult. Very.

It can sort of throw me back.  Triggers me to re-live those days where i was fighting emotional and physical anguish.  It leaves me confused. Confused because I can't avoid it.  I am almost certain that the emotions that play into it make the cramps that much worse which is then a cycle that I just can't seem to avoid. 

It has slowed down a bit now because I am on birth control that stops monthly periods but the cramps still come and go and each time I can be caught off guard and will find myself back there.

It is hard. very hard. I am learning that it is okay to feel it. I am learning to sit in the grief because running away from it will not make it disappear.  it will be ok. 

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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A Letter For Triton: You Should Be Two Today

 

Today is a tough day for me babe.  A date that for others really has no meaning, but for me it is a pain spot and will be for who knows how long - maybe forever.  Two years ago today was your due date. If you were still with me today we would be celebrating your 2nd birthday, Triton. Party hats and cake instead of a lonely day to myself.  

I wish I could see what you look like. I imagine you look like a mixture of your brother P and your youngest sister E -- beautiful blonde hair and big brown eyes.  I wonder if you have the imagination of your sister R or if you would be into cars or art or music.  Answers that will never be answered for me - just played out in my imagination and if I am lucky, you will visit me again in a dream.

I miss you. Some don't understand that - I hope they don't ever have to. Such confusing emotions.  A grief people don't understand unless they have been there. unspoken.  misunderstood.  None of that matters to me though - as i write to you - i know you matter.  

you matter to me.

I wish others could have met you. 

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is a very significant day for me - and many other mothers. If you don't know about the significance of today i am thankful; If you do i am sending you many hugs today.

October 15th marks the day all Angel moms & their family and friends remember our babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or neonatal loss as we all light a candle for our babies gone at:

7pm on October 15th Worldwide. 

As I light 10 candles tonight it will be bittersweet.  It will flood me with emotions that will likely take my breath away but it will also be a wonderful sight - a memory into pictures of my 10 angles surrounding me. 

There are many activities & walks going on around the world today and through out this weekend to spread awareness on miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS & neonatal loss - please check here for a walk near you.

There is a wonderful amazing organization working to spread awareness and support of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and neonatal loss called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  Their mission is to support each other and to show that we are not alone. They are also working on an amazing campaign to raise money for the 2000 women who suffer the loss of a baby each day in the US. Please check out their site www.IAmTheFace.org and offer your support if you can.  I am face #290.

Another amazing remembrance services is by Triplet Butterfly Wings - releasing butterflies for our angels.  I would not have heard of this beautiful service if it wasn't for my great friend Cindy who emailed me one day telling me she would like to sponsor a release in name of Triton. 

If you are going to be lighting a candle for your angel(s) or for the angels of your friends or family I would be honored if you could share the photos of your candles on my facbeook page along with a message on who the candle is lit for.

You are not alone.

Post Edited October 15 @7:20pm

Here are the beautiful candles I lit for my 10 Angels ♥

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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Angel Babies: Surviving Miscarriage

Yesterday I had a guest piece published on Mums n Chums website titled Angel Babies: Surviving Miscarriage and would love for you to head over and read it. These posts are always so difficult for me to write, but I find comfort putting it on paper (or the computer).

Please head over to Mums n Chums and thank you all for your loving words and continued support.

♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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TV Shows and Triggers

Last night I was sitting in my room sick with the flu and started watching Grey's Anatomy with my husband. I love this show and tonight was the season premiere and I was excited to watch.

What I forgot of course was the way last season ended.  I hate that I have to brace myself for these things to avoid this - but last night I was unexpectedly punched in the stomach. Blind-sided by seeing a woman lying in a hospital bed with her legs up in stirrups on tv about to get a D&C.

I lost it.

I cried.

My husband held me without me having to say a word.

He knew.

I hate that I know I am going to have nightmares again tonight. I get them often and tonight I know they will come.

Painful.

Real.

Nightmares.

I hate that something as silly as a television show triggers them.

I have not healed from these 10 miscarriages. I don't know if I ever will fully. I am tired of the pain but I know I have to feel it.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

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The Small Things That Make Me Smile

My hibiscus bloomed today and has more buds coming.  This might seem like a silly thing to get so excited about but it really brought a huge smile to this gloomy day. 

This tree it Triton. We planted it after we lost him and I have the same tattoos on my back. His angel statue sits at the base of the plant.

He flowered for the first time this year earlier in the summer but funny enough I missed it because I was away at BlogHer in New York. I have been waiting for the flowers to show again & today it came.

Seeing this bright pink flower brings me a lot of happiness - smiles when they are needed.  I have to bring the plant in for the winter and hibernate it so all winter I go without seeing the flowers. I love the pink - just love it ♥

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos | Gluten Free Attachment Parenting™ Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com

              

Miscarriage, Pregnancy and Factor V Leiden

I have had a few people ask if i could elaborate further on the causes of my miscarriages.  I know they were nervous to ask because this is a sensitive subject but honestly, if you have any questions - ask away.  I am very emotional about it but I don't mind answering and talking about miscarriage and my journey. It is not talked about enough - and when I was deep into it I felt so alone.  I will not be a contributor to stuffing this in the closet - so as hard as it is to publish my feelings sometimes for people to read - I will.

I had a few issues that contributed to my miscarriages. At this point it is hard to pin point if it was just one or a combination of the three.  I had a luteal phase and progesterone deficiency (I will blog later on how that was figured out and what I did to fix it), undiagnosed celiac disease (for 5 of my 10 miscarriages and 2 full term live births) and Factor V Leiden - which I will focus on in this post.

If you read my post on my Journey Through 10 Miscarriages you will know that I discovered I had Factor V Leiden when I had a stroke when I was 8 months pregnant with my second child and two weeks later I was induced and she was born.  Nothing else was spoken about Factor V Leiden until we lost Triton.

Factor V Leiden is not a disease, it is not something that can be 'cured'.  It is an inherited genetic disorder that can increase your chances for developing blood clots (thrombophilia) and since any pregnant woman or woman on estrogen-based birth control is at an increased risk anyways - having Factor V Leiden can be quite dangerous for a pregnant woman. 

While I was trying to conceive I was taking a 75miligram tablet of aspirin (baby aspirin) a day to help thin my blood. I was basal body temping and was an expert at this point so i knew the exact date of implantation and the first day a pregnancy test would become positive.  When it did i went to the doctor to confirm and switched off the aspirin and started right away taking a blood thinner injection (Fragmin) that I would take every day until 8 weeks postpartum.

This was my daily needle that I injected myself into my lower abdomen (under the belly button) or the upper outer thighs:

Fragmin

One of the side effects of injecting a blood thinner was the bruises they caused. I had to mention to every nurse or doctor or person who saw my pregnant belly that I was on this medication because the whole lower part of my stomach was covered in bruises that looked like this:

Fragmin bruises

When it came to labor - it was tricky. I would not be able to safely go into labor on my own because - well, when you deliver you loose blood and being on a blood thinner i was at risk for losing a lot of blood. I was going to have another induction at around 38 weeks, when baby looked good and when my cervix started showing changes of dialation.  I started dialating early around 35 weeks so i was on bed rest so not to go into labor.

Induction was set and i had to go off the blood thinner 12 hours before the induction was started. The tricky part was i could not go over 24 hours without the drug or I would risk clotting again and potentially having a stroke or pulmonary embolism. This drug was protecting me and the baby. 

After 5 hours of hard core induction Baby E was born - healthy & perfect and I was then placed back on the Fragmin and continued after the postpartum risk for clots which was 8 weeks for me.  

Baby E 2 minutes old

 

At times I wished that i didnt have to take this medication.  It wasnt really fun or easy to inject myself every day and could not miss it or risk something bad happening to baby or myself. It was also not cheap -$10 per needle x 44wks.  I am so grateful for my OB/GYN's and Fragmin because they protected myself and Baby E.  

I am still taking a baby aspirin daily and will need to for the rest of my life. I am also not able to take any estrogen-based birth control because that will be far too risky with Factor V Leiden.  If we ever want to have another baby we will have to be just as careful and meticulous and will need to have the injections and induction. 

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be medical advice. This is all based on my specific case and treatment outlined by my doctors.

I love hearing from you! Leave a comment below ♥ Accustomed Chaos / Canada Gluten Free Examiner Email: accustomedchaos@gmail.com