Accustomed Chaos™: Guest Post: Late Starter Elimination Communication

Time for another guest post on infant diapering and today we have a goodie! Julian (@pocketbuddha) from Pocket Buddha shares with us her adventures in late starting elimination communication. Here is her adventure in her own words:

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Late starter Elimination communication is an adventure. An adventure that is awkward and sometimes difficult but can also be really rewarding. My decision to adopt Elimination Communication (EC) techniques with my son when he was 10 months of age was not an easy one. I had a few major misconceptions to deal with before I could accept the practice. (You can read about how I overcame those first impressions here) When I finally decided on EC, like when I put my mind to anything, I dove right in head first.

Looking back, I think I may have been a little ambitious about the whole thing. My intention was never to ‘potty train’ my infant, I knew that EC is a slow and gradual process for families, and especially families who decide to get started after their babies are 4-6 months of age. I knew that toilet learning wouldn’t be an overnight success. What I didn’t appreciate is WHY it is a slow and gradual process. It’s not because using the toilet is a learned skill that evolves as children develop (although it is and it does). It’s because teaching a child how to use the toilet is a learned skill that evolves as parents develop.

At first glance, teaching a child how to use a toilet sounds easy. After all, actually using the toilet is easy for me so what could the big deal be? According to my research all I had to do was show Oliver how to use the toilet by welcoming him into the bathroom and letting him see what it is for, ‘offer the potty’ after naps and meals when it is likely that he will eliminate, then learn his elimination cues, and build his association with the toilet over time by ‘catching’ more and more eliminations. Sounds simple no? As it turns out, none of those steps are without their obstacles.

Showing Oliver how to use the toilet:

When I first read that it was sometimes helpful to “welcome” your child into the bathroom with you to watch you use it, I had the opposite reaction that I think the writer of the advice expected. I wasn’t embarrassed or grossed out by the thought of my child watching me pee. I was more really shocked and jealous that there were parents out there who were allowed to use the bathroom on their own. If you are one of those people, I suggest you thank your lucky stars ever time you close that bathroom door between you and your child, because I don’t think I’ve used the bathroom by myself in over a year.

It was the ‘welcoming’ part I struggled with. I had spent the last 10 months trying to find new and creative ways to keep Oliver out of the bathroom while I was using it. Now I was reading that ‘welcoming’ him in could help him develop an elimination association with the toilet.

Letting go of my privacy expectations was a little hard for me. We all dream of the day where we can be alone with our own thoughts for just a few minutes, where we can pick our nose or fuss over our hair or pop zits without anybody watching. For me it came down to accepting that I can have those moments, they just maybe can’t be exactly when and where I want them. I let go of my frustration and welcomed Oliver into the bathroom with me.

Now if I need to be alone with my thoughts or pick my nose or fuss with my hair I wait until Oliver’s asleep and remember that there WILL come a day where he grows out of wanting to be near me 24/7, and when that day comes I’ll miss these days a lot.

‘Offer the potty’:

It sounds really simple to just hold your baby over the toilet or small potty for them to eliminate, but in actuality it is really quite awkward. Each and every time I did so in the first few weeks my mind screamed at me that maybe EC wasn’t really for us after all.

It’s the physical holding. I imagine that having a boy makes this part quite a bit more interesting than if I were trying with a girl, but finding a comfortable position that your baby isn’t going to wiggle out of and which aims their eliminations directly (you hope) into the bowl of the toilet takes some practice. There are a few suggestions for positions to try on the DiaperFreeBaby.org website.

“Keep trying!” I was told “It will eventually become more comfortable.” That may very well be true, but Oliver and I found much more success with a baby seat that easily attaches to the seat of our toilet. This seat, complete with little handles on either side, allows Oliver to sit on the toilet like “big boy” without falling in, The first time we used it he seemed really pleased with himself and the second time we used it was our first catch! I think that being able to sit on the toilet the way he’d seen me sit on it was what clued him into what it was we were doing.

Learning Elimination Cues:

Believe it or not, this was the part of EC that sounded the easiest to me. I mean, if anyone could pick up the subtle signs that Oliver needed to eliminate it would be me right? I can tell just by the flicker of a tiny eyebrow and subtle jutting of his bottom lip when Oliver is feeling nervous with a friend or family member, I can tell by the shrillness of his cry exactly how tired he is, I can tell by a tilt of his head and a hand on my breast when he is hungry, and by the tensing of tiny muscles when he is about to make a break for something he shouldn’t be playing with.

While I had been warned not to expect any real progress in one day, or even one week or more, especially when getting started later in babyhood, I found myself disappointed in my own inability to accurately read Oliver’s elimination cues right away. After 10 months of traditional diapering I had learned to ignore these signs and it was going to take some time to start noticing again. Even today, just over 2 months later, I am still not very good at predicting when Oliver needs to urinate, but I haven’t changed a soiled diaper in a number of weeks, so I am going to go ahead and call that progress!

Creating an Elimination Association:

Within 2 weeks of starting EC we had gotten quite good at catching routine eliminations first thing in the morning and after meals and naps, but we had yet to make any spontaneous catches. What was weird about this was that the number of ‘misses’ we had during our diaper free time were decreasing. Could it be that Oliver’s elimination association with the toilet was already getting stronger and he was waiting for me to take him to the potty at one of our routine times?

What was actually happening took a little while for me to catch on to. See, after 10 months of eliminating in a diaper, Oliver already had an elimination association, not with the toilet but with his diapers. Oliver could stay dry for more than two hours without a diaper on, but the moment I replaced his diaper he would soak it within seconds, even if we had just been to the potty.

This phenomenon, I was to find out, is often referred to as ‘diaper training’ and is a common obstacle for potty learning toddlers. It confirms to me that, contrary to conventional western wisdom, infants do have bladder and sphincter control a lot earlier than we would believe.

This is why it is so important for families who decide to start EC later in infancy, or even introducing toilet learning to a toddler, need to take it really slowly and not set expectations too high. For human beings, learning is easy, but relearning is a little bit tougher. Elimination communication is meant to be a peaceful parenting practice that increases your communication and bonding with your child, expecting too much too soon can have negative effects on that communication.

So it may take some time, and a little bit of mental adjustment on the part of the parent. But Elimination Communication is very much a worth while practice. Once you fall into a rhythm and start to sync up with your little one you will instantly notice a positive change in the relationship between you. Just be prepared for some awkward fumbling around to begin with!