Unsettling Emotions

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I am struggling today. I don't know what brought it on or why it is weighing so heavily in my mind and heart right now.  Usually I can see why things are 'boiling up' – the date, a particular time of year – something that would help me see why these feelings and memories are coming up. This time, nothing – which makes me feel very uneasy.

I have this unsettling feeling that someone is missing. I could have all my kids around me – looking at them – but still this very painful feeling that someone is missing – and a pinch of panic sets in.  Where is this coming from and how do I get rid of it?

I know lately my mind has been set on “baby fever mode”. To be honest, I am not even really sure that is what is going on. I am a very goal oriented, non emotional person so when I start to feel emotions boiling up – I either suppress them or “fix” them by reaching the goal.  It is what got me through my miscarriages – however it is also what has put me in this spot now.

Since I am not in that 'fight to get my goal' mode any more {achieving healthy full term children} I am left here with the emotions that I never worked through.  I am left very confused and very heavy.  I don't know what to do with myself.

I have had people tell me that I should be grateful for my children and not dwell on the ones I've lost. I know in my rational head that what they are saying is a load of shit, but why does that always play in my head like a broken record every time I think about my losses?  All that does is make me feel guilty for being sad and upset and my sadness has nothing to do with my 3 beautiful, healthy kids.

Today I am going to sit in my uneasiness and emotions – try not to rationalize them – just sit in them.  I will not promise to do it all day – that would be too much for me. I need to give myself permission to be sad and today I am going to be sad. 

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